I. do. not. care. about crap.

Forgive me ahead of time….but….I am going to let you in on a little secret as we are forced by society to try to step back out into the world and try to act and be normal just four months after having to bury the beautiful shell of our baby girl in the dead cold and ugly brown earth.

Heres the deal: I HATE SMALL TALK.

and i hate crap.

You are talking to me about certain things and I just DO NOT CARE.

the struggle is real.

I am just shrinking away in the conversation while wanting to fall down in a fetal position and ball my eyes out.

These things use to matter and make me care.

Now you may be saying Stupid things to me.  Things that are superficial.  Petty.  fleeting.

So I may just run from you because…

I do not  care about those things anymore. The old me cared.  The old me was more anchored to this world and cared about the things of this world.

But, Our child is gone…she. is. gone!

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She was ripped from us!!

Inside I am bleeding. I can hardly breathe. I am crawling through this world.

…. so what you may be telling me just goes over my head.

Sometimes I pretend to engage and to care and try real hard to be polite.

My mind tries to focus but I may just tune you out and glaze over…. because what you are probably saying may not matter in the grand scheme of life.

because Life ….

LIFE. is. a. vapor.

Do you even know that?

Would you be talking about that certain thing to me if YOUR child just went to heaven too.

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My beautiful round faced, big eyed and rose-budded, soft lips daughter was just here watching  American Idol with me while cuddling in my bed  and singing along together one moment….. and then suddenly having a heart attack the next moment.

She was dying in my arms as I frantically raced her down the steps screaming and crying out for my JESUS to save her….

frail and limp….on my family room  floor fading in my arms where just the night before we were all playing together on that same floor and looking at her photo album and laughing super loud together and just so full of life.

Here one day, gone the next.

Heaven and Hell are real.

Do you know where you are going? Because THIS world is not IT.  Not our home.

So, what are you complaining about? What matters to you?

I am now stuck on earth with 1/2  my heart in heaven so all the petty earthly crap does not matter right now.

It may matter later….but I hope not.

I may struggle to  listen to you when you tell me about your surface-y talk. About the supposed blessings of your life.

Um ….news alert! Have we forgotten that Jesus SAID “blessed” are poor in spirit, mourning, meek, hungering and thirsting for righteousness, merciful, pure, peacemakers, and persecuted.”

Blessed” is NOT new bathrooms and pinterest successes.

I can not do small talk.  I try to fake it, but inside I am slowly dying through the conversation.

because It does not matter anymore to me. It has all dimmed.  The things of this earth have grown so very dim.

I need to do real talk. I Do care about your heart and your soul.

LIFE MATTERS.  God matters. What Jesus did for you and me on the cross matters.

Your eternal security matters to me.

My daughters life matters. My family matters.

Gianna loved Jesus.

Jesus mercifully performed multiple miracles in her life to show us and you that  HE IS SOOOOO REAL!

HE IS REAL!!!! This world is not our home.

So, honestly, the color of your new decor in your house does not matter to me, your new shiny car  does not matter to me,  Your complaining about your job that provides for you does not matter right now to me…How you are annoyed over silly things that day does not matter to me.  How you were not appreciated or respected about stupid stuff does not matter….. In fact, it downright frustrates me. Get over yourself. I do not care how you were offended or how much your new dress costs.

sorry folks…This is grief awareness 101 in the raw -real.

Sounds harsh doesnt it.

SOrry…. not really sorry.

guess I am not supposed to say that stuff out loud….But, news flash…this broken and bereaved mama can not handle petty crap about how the cashier at Walmart was grumpy to you or how you are just not being treated fairly.

Yup, you can probably now understand why I can not do Social media right now.

taking a break from the crap. It’s ok.

But, I get it.

it is I who probably offend you.

I know I am not easy to be around.

But I was offended too. I was offended and assaulted by a broken world that takes babies from their mamas arms.  My family was slayed in the deepest way possible and had to walk our baby to the gates of heaven and say goodbye and now live on this  earth without our sweet sunshine.

MY CHILD WAS RIPPED FROM OUR ARMS 142 days days ago
… 4.5 months
.. 3408 hours
… 204480 minutes
… 12268800 seconds ago

We are now stuck on earth without the ability to kiss our baby girl on her cheeks and hug and dance with her and tell her we love her and hear her voice whispering in our ears.

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I did not get to start first grade with her this September.  Her pencil box remains untouched.

I do not get to make her milky and medicines at night or pack her lunch for homeschool co-op or do a sandwich kiss with her between me and her daddy.

Because she is now where we all want to be.

She is in paradise whole and healed.

I am stuck on a broken earth without my family ever feeling whole again on this side of eternity .  ….. and we are being forced to keep going all the while getting drowned out by first -world problems that do. not. matter.

you probably want to Call it bitterness, or call it stage WHATEVER # whatever of the stupid grief process that people say you are supposed to go through…..yes, we know all about that.

BUT….the blessed truth is THIS:

I know what matters now. WE KNOW WHAT MATTERS NOW.

That is freeing!

It is clearer than ever before and it has come at the highest cost possible.

Because in our most painful slaying we received a gift…a true blessing in the way Jesus talked about “blessings” in the bible.

REAL “blessings”.

an undeserved gift of grace

the gift of glimpsing beyond the thin veil straight into heaven. Heaven is real.

That holy ground…that anointed  painful moment that we had to hand our most precious treasure  to Jesus….. it was the moment we heard angels welcome her.  We felt the actual living- breathing presence of JESUS and HIS ANGELS surround us. It was beautiful in the most painful of ways.

We do not walk away from  that humbling Jesus encounter and that supernatural glimpsing of heaven unchanged.

We are changed.

WE ARE NOT THE SAME.

Yeah, We are probably offensive now because we can not handle some of your good intentioned- words that try to help us in our grief… And we are  just lacking the  gentleness to kindly tell you that what you are saying is just not helpful right now.

words like:….you will get through, move on, it will get better, stay strong, step forward, make it work, make the best of it, focus on those who are still here, stay strong, etc….blah blah blah…etc ….stupid cliche answers and stupid advice from those who JUST DO NOT GET IT. STOP. Just stop.

***(side note: please do not tell us you understand what I am feeling and give us your human wisdom or kick in the pants theology unless you have had to endure the absolute terrifying torture of  also losing a child  ..because I am sorry, We may just tune you out.)

I know you mean well….. but

Do you really Wanna know what helps?

Just ache with us. Pray for us. Don’t forget us. Cry with us. get mad with us and stomp your foot with us, hug us…. say her name. Tell us how you miss her too. You do not need to have answers or feel responsible to comfort us. Just please do not pretend that it did not happen.. The elephant in the room could just swallow us whole.  Just have empathy and compassion  Because our worlds are being rocked in a way that only few truly understand. Remember her. Remember us. Celebrate her life with us.

And care with us and talk with us about what REALLY matters.

Just be real.

I hope you NEVER EVER have to truly understand this pain fully or walk this horrible path. NO ONE SHOULD.

And many just do not understand that you can not just go back to NORMAL.   Normal is no more a reality when you have seen heaven face to face.

because…BIGGER things matter now.

BIGGER THINGS MATTER.

Children fighting for their lives matter.

Children stuck in orphanages matter.

The forgotten ones of this world matter.

children and families thrown on the street matter.

Children starving for love and food and protection here and on the other side of the world matter.

People dying from cancer and other diseases matter.

people held in  bondage to trafficking and slavery matters

Oppression matters, abuse matters, starvation matters, poverty matters.

Third world problems matter.

A dying world matters.

People dying without ever hearing about  the hero who died for them….so they could live forever in heaven MAtterS!

Children are dying in orphanages without knowing the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God and a family. Because we did not tell them or show them or run to them.

THAT.

MATTERS.

not being caught up in our HGTV cozy life where we complain about not getting to go on a vacation every season.

oh  how alluring the world can be. It is so tempting to be rocked to sleep. I get it.

It is so easy to get comfortable and pretend that you are living recklessly for GOD when we are so cozy and untouched by a dying and offensive world.

You see, my family had to learn a lesson we NEVER EVER wanted to learn.

But….now we know a truth we can NEVER EVER live without and it changes everything.

We are broken and bleeding and barely holding on and many times plain mad and messy and thrashing and wailing from our sadness and from our deepest loss …

BUT, we are bravely looking into the face of Jesus to see that we are blessed beyond measure in a way that we have never been blessed before.

That is HOPE.

We see beyond this superficial world and we deeply thirst beyond this world to a miracle that does not disappoint.

Gianna lives forever because of a truth and promise that sets our hearts free. We will choose to grow forever for the things that matter, in her honor… because her life matters always. Our hearts will forever grow.

Giannas heavenly miracle has turned our eyes to Jesus in a new way that unbolts us from this world.

We are now aliens in this world. We are trying to navigate a new land. But ruined for this world.

Our deepest suffering has made everything un-important fall to the background…and everything that truly matters illuminate like never before.

It is funny (not ha-ha funny) but funny  how the terrible and most tragic, heartbreaking season of the dark night can do just that.

It makes all the clutter of this life  just fade away…all the superficial  white noise that used to entertain us suddenly just go silent and stupid into the blackness of night and only that which truly matters now comes forward and shines brighter and bolder, like stars, in a way that you could never see before in daylight.

The darkness has swallowed up all the superficial things of this world that can make you temporarily HAPPY  and temporarily filled ….and has left one thing remaining that never leaves you empty:

JESUS and HIS PROMISES

TRUE JOY that never empties.

We chase THAT JOY.

HIM

The Joy of having an intimate relationship with my JESUS who died so I CAN LIVE and be reunited with my baby girl again and be freed from a broken world of despair.

HE CONQUERED DEATH. The miracle that never disappoints.

He conquered and defeated satan so I am no longer a slave to a broken world.

My chains have been broken. I HAVE HOPE in my utter despair and in my sadness BECAUSE JESUS LIVES and He forgave me of the sins that would have doomed me to hell.

THAT is what matters.

Talk to me about what matters.

Living for my Savior. Bringing HOPE to a dying world.

Jesus and eternity  is all that matters.

The one who holds my baby, my future home, my hand and our broken and bleeding hearts is what matters.

The one who weeps with me, lets me wrestle with Him all the while holding our eternity and promising to restore and redeem that which is broken.

The one who saves us from the pit of despair with a HOPE that will never disappoint.

JESUS and HIS LOVE.

Everything else fades away.

This is us.

Broken and bleeding out and crawling on.

but so blessed with a new perspective that came at a high cost which will NEVER EVER be lost on us.

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A new perspective that changes EVERYTHING.

God is redeeming us.

We feel the miracles slowly unfolding in our lives. We can smile together and we can laugh together even in the deepest rivers of pain. Laughter is so good for us. We dream together and we hope for our future together. We Chase true joy together. But we do all of this with new eyes, hearts and passions. God is still good….Because He is redefining our perspective of what “Good” means.

All hard lessons we never wanted to have to learn. But lessons we can not live without.

We are free to live and love bigger than Ever before.

God is growing us and bringing beauty from our ashes and we know this will be a miracle that unfolds right into eternity when we all tightly embrace again.

….and well, we just don’t care much about the things of this world that have no eternal value.

So excuse me if I run from you in public or zone out  because right now I just do not have the mechanism to care about superficial surface crap.

 “Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace

O soul are you weary and troubled?
No light in the darkness you see?
There’s light for a look at the Savior
And life more abundant and free

Through death into life everlasting
He passed, and we follow Him there
Over us sin no more hath dominion
For more than conquerors we are

His word shall not fail you, He promised
Believe Him and all will be well
Then go to a world that is dying
His perfect salvation to tell

Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace”

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#LIVEGIAGROWFOREVER

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7 thoughts on “I. do. not. care. about crap.

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  1. Morning, pain is real just as real as joy. Your transparency is an example to all because that is Truth. Our Father knows and He sees our innermost being, every wound that refuses to heal, every tear that we cry and He says, I know its okay I am here.
    Isaiah 57: 1-2 has been an encouragement to me in my time of loss
    I hope it encourages you, to know God knows the future times and knows His reasons. Continue to trust Him in this He will comfort always no matter how long we grieve.

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  2. So so sorry! God has made you so strong. It breaks my heart every time I see that sweet face! I don’t know how you make it through each day but you do. You will never be the same and every hour every day is a struggle. Keep moving forward. Sending prayers your way

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  3. As I read your words, I felt your raw emotion and it was as if you were right there, with me, yelling at me and sobbing uncontrollably as you tried to get every point out of your mouth. I have felt your emotion for years but it is like you are speaking to zombies. You want to shake them, to wake them from the hold that this world has over them. I believe that is why Jesus said He wouldn’t recognize many when they stand before Him. He doesn’t care about the newest paint color or the decoration newly purchased. He is chasing our hearts, our souls. I continue to pray for you and your family. Gia will never be forgotten and you will never be “better” until you’re reunited. I wish I could offer you a hug.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh dear Johanna, my hearts continues to ache for you. Not having walked your shoes people cant seem to grasp your pain. It is sad when they mean well and feel helpless; but sadder yet is being gifted with empathy and still feeling helpless. I still pray each day for yiu and Brian and thw rest of the kiddies. Your beautiful squishy face is remembered everday in my daily changing FB cover picture. Always Watching for the butterfies and still pick a daily dandylion.

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