5 months

You are nowhere but you are everywhere…..

We have to look for you with new eyes and a new faith that is hard to hold on to most days.

We miss you so much our hearts literally hurt.  Our Precious beautiful brave and sassy Gia-Bia.

My feet hit the floor each morning with a new gut-punch as each sunrise calls me  to walk in a mustard seed- sized faith  …as I swallow the reality of a new day without your sunshine and try once again to reconcile the unreconcilable.

gia blowing

tears commence and end each day.

This week has been extra weepy.

Extra hard.

SO HARD.

5 months without you, my Gia-Bia, is NOT okay with me.

Sometimes tears are the only language I can speak.

Tears are my groans.

They are my way to show my never-ending love. They are my way to wrestle with the ONE who broke my heart.

They are my way to lean in to the truth of HIS Goodness when I do not feel the goodness.

They are my way to reach above the broken earth and touch the beauty and promises of heaven.

They are my way to beat on HIS chest.

Living on earth without you, your giggles, your sparkle, your squishy hugs, your squeaky voice, your captivating smile, your soft lips just  seems  impossible and torturous and tormenting most days.

gianna leaves

I know HE catches all our tears.

Sweet Gianna….. We used to celebrate FALL all together running and jumping in the piles of dead leaves.

The new Autumn season now calls forth a new fresh wind of sadness and shock.

The leaves are starting to descend but you are not here to catch them with your brother and sissy.

The ladybugs are peeking out, but your dainty hands are not here to catch all your new “unsuspecting pets.”

ladybug2

The Kites will have one less baby running under them…

there will be no autumn nature walks and splashy creek jumping adventures with your shiny  pink rubber boots that you love … while big brother Hudson and big sissy Tolly tightly hold your hand so you do not fall.

kids creek

They miss taking care of you too.

they miss holding your squishy hands.

we all do.

But we still reach for the ladybugs, leaves, kites and creek puddles for you ….for us…yet with so much ache.

ladybug1

So. much. ache.

We still reach for you as we so deeply miss your physical presence.

Pain so deeply interwoven with the “chasing of joy.”

While you were here next to us walking and running and dancing on earth, you made everyone’s hearts grow bigger and beckoned our hands to reach farther then we ever thought possible.

You taught us all to LOVE with no fear.

You taught us to face fears with unrelenting courage. You blew our hearts wide open.

The price of Love is a broken heart.

But it is A high price that we would pay a million times over for this gift to be yours forever.

A treasure we can never ever lose.

You taught us that The only risk to choosing to love is choosing NOT to love and choosing to protect your own safe and  tightly-  bubble-wrapped heart….and therefore choosing to MISS the miracles that explode in the messes of a life changed by love.

LOVE does come with guarantees, except the guarantee of a treasure forever in heaven.

You taught us to believe that the choice NOT to jump in is no option at all.

LOVING BIG means living BIG and reaching BIG.

We hurt BIG because we LOVE BIG.

Some days it is hard to even do life.  People have a hard time understanding what it means to actually have to live with an actual broken heart.

We grieve and struggle because we love you and miss you so deeply.

We will not listen to those who say that the pain will eventually go away….that the pain will fade away and be a thing of the past.

they do not get it.

They do not understand.

We know different.

We lean into the pain. We know it changes us.

It makes us live bolder for HEAVEN.

The pain will always always be a part of our hearts and lives.

It will dwell with us forever…as an aching deposit of our future HOPE and reunion with you.

We will not run from the pain or avoid it.

We will learn to live and grow within and around the pain…and it will stretch our faith and summon  a new bravery that we never thought was possible.

We will keep our broken hearts open to let the light shine through.

We believe in a God of restoration.

Our God is a redeeming GOD.

His stories never end in ashes

Our deep pain will bring new wine.  New blooms…

 

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new opportunities to LOVE BIG.

The pain will be the catalyst for new miracles.

The pain will cause new courage to be called out in our hearts.

The pain, even though it can literally paralyze us at times,  will birth new beauty and boldness in our  lives.

the pain is what continues to keep us untethered from this broken earth.

We will not fear brokenness.

Afterall, the world was saved with a  broken heart.

The greatest pain our earth ever saw was the ugly death that happened on a cross thousands of years ago ….  That pain is what allows us to HOPE in our deepest suffering.

That great pain brought a miracle.  It  purchased our way to HEAVEN. A future hope that does not disappoint, even in our suffering.

We know that you do not forget a pain that is birthed from true love.

Pain is the reminder of that love.

Gianna Lilyfaith, we already catch tiny glimpses of how God is using our pain to grow us evermore and show us how to honor your life and love, our sweet spunky baby girl.

Those are the stars that lead us through the dark night. They are like tiny peek-holes to the goodness that is to come.

Your life on earth illuminated  and breathed and shined of unwavering HOPE with every miraculous heartbeat that danced us all through the mountains and valleys….

I miss dancing on earth  with you, sweet baby girl.

I miss your warm breath on my neck as we twirled around the kitchen to our favorite praise songs….your broken heart beating against mine.

But in our deep pain, we choose each day to walk, grow and breathe in HOPE too….even in our deepest pits of darkness.

There is no other choice.

Even if it is through the language of falling tears.

Even when we can  not see through the tears.  Even when the pain has us hiding under our covers from a world that feels like it just does not understand.

because Bravery is not about putting on a mask. Bravery is allowing light to shine through the cracked pieces.

Truth holds us.

Truth does not waiver.

Gia-Bia, We know that you skip and dance with Jesus and send us so many love notes from heaven through the wonderful and glorious signs of creation. Creation was always your favorite.  It is our favorite too.

Creation calls forth praise…..even in our deepest pain.

Your beautiful soul breaks through the thin veil that separates us…  like hugs from your sweet spirit…..as we reach and ache together for our future HOME with you and Jesus.

So….We look up, not down.

The grave could not hold you, my strong baby girl.

You won.

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You are alive.

God used HIS greatest pain..His greatest suffering to make a way  to a miracle of life over death.

And earth no  longer has a hold on our broken hearts either.

We live for Heaven and for treasures that are eternal.

We know our greatest pain is proof of our greatest love.

We love you forever and ever and ever our sassy and soulful Gianna Lilyfaith!

Live and Grow forever

no fool

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3 thoughts on “5 months

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  1. Wow. Your words are beautiful and tragic and I cannot even begin to express my sympathies. I have followed your story from Gia entering the hospital till now. I had just brought home from China my own little one with a very broken heart. Your words as you fought so hard for her inspired me as we now fight for our little one. No one knows how long any of us are here. You encourage living BIG everyday. Thank you for being so bold and brace and not hiding the hurt. Blessings to you and your beautiful family. Keep living BIG for Jesus!

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